Surrender…

I ran across a memory about “pondering” and my “head spinning not knowing where my heart would land.”

I don’t remember what had my head spinning. But wow, 15 years have gone by…and now here I am pondering …
All the spinning, swirling, twirling, stumbling, grasping, ….wishing it would stop on one of the good parts….that place where I felt like I had it together, had made good decisions, was working toward something…my people were in a good place, our family was happy…and whole….

Can we just stay there?

But it never stops…nothing stays the same for very long. There are losses that change everything, that we had no say in. There are our choices and the choices of others… And our brains are always trying to reconcile what is happening in any given moment…making us feel like we should fix it all into what we need it to be, fix it all for the ones we love, or fix ourselves so we can fit better into the mix of all that is happening outside our control…
Our control… we have so little control. That is a hard one to swallow and yet no denying it’s truth as we look back at all the pointless, exhausting ways we tried…
I tried so hard…
Looking back….I see my failures…so much failure,
but I also see growth;
I see a lot of pain and disappointment,
but I also see a whole lot of joy;
I see deep loss and sorrow,
but I also see the sweetest moments of comfort, grace, and hope;
I see so much brokenness that has been brought together and healed in ways I could have never dreamed, or schemed, or fixed…on my own.
And I remember that at every stumbling, grasping point there was the option, the choice, to surrender… to the One who never changes or stumbles …or fails.

The choice to surrender…

Sometimes I’m a little quicker with this than I used to be…But, most of the time I still like to give it a go for a bit, before I give it up.
Lord, help….

My prayer;

God of stillness and of the swirling,
may I continually find the grace to choose to surrender…
to stop the struggling and stumbling,
the fussing and fixing;
It is exhausting…
it is all too much for me.
Heal my mind of the guilt, shame, and pain of the struggle and failure.
May the memories become reminders of your mercy, care, and steadfast Love
and the seeds that have been growing me, even in the dark places;
Guard my heart with a constant awareness that You are with me and I do not live this life alone.
Give me quiet courage to move through each day,
Trusting you from one surrender to the next,
as you work and weave all of my moments for Your highest Good.
May I find my rest in your unchanging Love and care.

-Amen