I wrote this a year ago. I remember the day so well. Today I’m sitting in the same chair, looking out the same window…and so much has changed. The tears aren’t from questions and fears anymore. All of that has been settled. Momma is gone…. Absent from us, present with her Lord. I’m so happy for her. She asked us to be happy for her… The tears now are simply because I miss her.
Tears are a necessary part of the hard work of grief. They fall at times when it feels like the grief will overtake you…and you’ll never get through this… and you just don’t know…
This echo still rings deep in my soul even when the rest of me just doesn’t know….
I was having quiet time with God this morning…literal Quiet. I just didn’t even know what to speak out loud. I felt like I was in a fog….so much was running through my mind, so many thoughts and questions and fears. As I was just about to start the ugly cry (I’ve been told crying is a form of prayer, so at least I could do that)…I looked out the window and said out loud…”I just don’t know”. Those words must have cleared the fog a bit, because it was like this echo started in my mind…
“I know……………I KNOW”.
It kept ringing in my head like that…”I know…….I KNOW”.
As I sat and let it repeat, this “double-I Know” started to make sense.
The first “I know” was so sweet and compassionate. Like a parent wrapping their heartbroken child in their arms and saying, “I know, honey. You can let it all go…I’m here…it’s gonna be ok”…
The second “I KNOW” was full of authority and unwavering confidence. It was THE absolute “I KNOW”….in every way, shape and form. It was God reminding me that He Knows ALL and does ALL things well…and it IS enough to know that He knows.
So, I may not like it and it may feel scary, but the truth is that God, from the beginning of time, has always seen the bigger picture. My finite brain does not have the capacity to manage all the moving pieces that are engaged in life on this one planet, let alone the Universe!… I mean, if I’m being honest, I’m still in my pajamas at 10:00 a.m…..
In this life I seem to get to know things on a “need to know” basis…that can be frustrating. In those times of absolute uncertainty, if I want to have any Peace at all, it seems that knowing God KNOWS, has to be enough….Ya know??